It’s been a long minute, hasn’t it? But your resident storyteller is back and I brought snacks. For today’s post, I would like to thank all my friends and associates who supplied me with a abundance of material outlining all the ways they tried & failed to gain the affections of their respective crushes. Expect random chaos & some hilarity (What’s the point of love if it lacks drama?) So sit back, have a read & enjoy yourselves while I pace quietly in the corner as I re-evaluate some of my friendships.
1. FEMALE ,31
”I knew my crush was crazy about cars. He would always gush about his dream car, a 2018 CHEVROLET SILVERADO. So, as any good mumu would, I chose to sacrifice sleep for love. For one full week, I stayed up late into the night reading up on all I could about the damn car, even went so far as to watch YouTube videos of its test runs & showcases so that I could impress him with my knowledge the next time we spoke. If I had put this much effort into my studies, I would have been shaking my ass on my private yacht right now in Dubai. Omo, na so like play, uncle called me 3 days later and during the course of our conversation, he revealed that he had picked a new favorite because he had seen his uncle driving this supposed dream car and it had looked so tacky and ”uncool” that he had begun to dislike it. This guy…no wait, this boy…was willing to give up on AN EXTREMELY RELIABLE 5.3L V-8 ENGINE IN THE CURRENT ECONOMY FOR THE SAKE OF AESTHETICS!! My own was that I told him to cool his uncool back again if he didn’t want to be unfortunate because it wasn’t my knowledge & mobile data that I came here to waste.”
2. FEMALE, 23
”I remember I used to have this huge crush on my next door neighbor & he once told me that he liked girls who knew how to handle their liquor, that he found it incredibly sexy. See me then trying to market my non-existent sexiness by regaling him with stories of all my alcoholic escapades, giving just enough details that it motivated him to ask me out for drinks. I almost backed out, but the promised land was within my grasp and I decided to go all in. When we got to the lounge, he ordered a bottle of Talisker Single Malt Scotch Whiskey for the BOTH OF US to share. Despite being the alcohol virgin that I was, I had somehow managed to convince myself that I could be the Rita Dominic to his Jim Ikye. I desperately wanted to impress him, so I impulsively grabbed the bottle & proceeded to down half of its content as sexily as I could……..Don’t ask me how I got home that night. All I remember was feeling dizzy, tripping & falling onto red sand, removing my heels, entering the spiritual realm and communing respectfully with my ancestors. I woke up the next day with red eyes & a banging headache. My brother happily informed me that our neighbor had been kind enough to deposit my comatose body at home last night safe and unharmed. When I eventually gathered up enough morale to ask Baba Crush about last night’s activities, all he told me was that he had found it endearing that I had felt comfortable enough to show my vulnerability around him by falling asleep on his shoulder. Oga, I BLACKED OUT! As in, end of film, To Go Be The Glory, Wig-Shifting Blackout! Vulnerability kee u dere.”
3. MALE, 27
”I blame myself for this one sha. I was young. I didn’t know any better. This one babe was looking for a bad guy, an adventurous guy. I took it upon myself to become that guy, the baddest of the bad, so unpredictable that society would honor my badditude by changing the dictionary spelling of the word ”BAD” to my name. For her love, I wanted to show that I was exciting & could think outside the box. So one day, she took me to her favorite restaurant and recommended a dish called the INFERNO BLASTER, which she claimed to eat all the time. This she-devil baited me by saying she was yet to meet a guy who could match her taste & brave the dish with her. Naturally, in defense of my manhood & my gender, I ordered the dish (one for each of us) and immediately started scoffing my own down. If I had taken the time to ask for more details or to read the menu, I would have discovered that the dish was an unholy, abominable combination of PEPPERSOUP & TEQUILA (WHY? JUST TELL ME WHY ANYONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD WILLING CHOOSE TO EAT SUCH A THING! LIKE I SAID, SHE-DEVIL. LIKE FATHER, LIKE DAUGHTER. WHY WOULD A DEMONIC ENTITY FEAR FIRE?). Anyway sha, the only adventure I had that night was to the toilet and back. My ass is still in recovery mode.”
4. MALE, 22
”I met this fine babe at one Access bank ATM like that, although past experience should have taught me that that nothing good can come from being at Access Bank. I can’t even even remember what carried me to that bank in the 1st place that day. My own was that I saw fine babe & I immediately started crushing on her. As I was working up the courage to talk to her, this tout came out of nowhere and started toasting/disturbing her. Me, as the Ajegbu Prince Charming that I thought I was, stepped in & tried to defend the honor of my future boo. I pushed the guy to the floor and shouted at him to respect himself or he would bring out the demon in me. Baba kuku got up and walked away without a word and I started feeling myself, thinking Ahh, the matter don end. Little did I know that this tout had gone to recruit OTHER NEARBY TOUTS so that they could TOUT UP MY LIFE right then and there. Anybody who says that Nigerians aren’t united has never seen Touts assemble. Marvel Avengers could never. Long story short, the babe ended up saving my life by begging the original tout & giving him her number. Not all heroes wear capes”
5. FEMALE, 27
”My crush told me that he liked hyper feminine women/women into super girly s**t, so I decided to devote myself to that Baby Girl Lifestyle to get him to like me. I wore skirts more often, took care to ensure my makeup was always on fleek whenever he was around. It was only when I started wearing HIGH HEELS that he started to take notice of me. He told me that he loved the way my legs looked in heels & I was a ‘HEEL NATURAL‘. Natural sneh! Me that had long abandoned the Goddess of Heels for the much more manageable God Of Sneakers & Bathroom Slippers for 6 GOOD YEARS. But I overlooked the discomfort because I convinced myself that it wouldn’t be long before I had Baby Boy in my grasp & he would spend our weekends together massaging the hurt from my feet with loving devotion. Omo, 3 months after I became HEEL-LIANA, I finally worked up the courage to ask him out, only to find out that Oga was already in a loving relationship……WITH FLAT-SOLED ADA FROM MARKETING……..WHAT A LIFE!”
6. MALE, 34
”Back when I used to choose romance over vawulence, I used to buy lunch for this girl I used to crush on and I would ask my friend to drop it off at her office for me. Bear in mind that my friend is a chef & he also runs a delivery service, so I thought I was killing 2 birds with 1 stone by supporting my friend and also treating my soon-to-be love. Don’t ask me why this mumu of a guy started to catch feelings for my babe & upgraded himself from DELIVERY CHEF TO NOLLYWOOD ROMEO. He started to look for any excuse to loiter at her office, even visiting her when I didn’t send him, all in an effort to strike up a conversation with her…somebody’s baby…..SOMEBODY’S LOVE…..SOMEBODY’S LIVER & KIDNEY! To this day, I still don’t know what happened, but maybe she got fed up with his Light-skin shenanigans and after 7 months of supposed chyking, she warned him to stop disrupting her peace at her workplace. She also warned me to stop sending her food & to save my money as she wasn’t interested in me. So essentially, she rejected us both. Call me petty, but I didn’t mind being served breakfast o, just as long as that mumu also got his own share. The fact that his bike was stolen while he was on another job a couple of days later was just an additional bonus. I suspect he probably repeated that his mumu behaviour with another guy’s babe & the babe’s Oga wasn’t about to tolerate nonsense.”
7. FEMALE, 32
”I wanted to seem cool & mysterious to my crush before I asked him out officially. So I got his number from management & would call him at odd times of the day with my own number hidden. I wouldn’t say anything initially , but after I had let the call run long enough to hear his breathing pick up, (obviously with excitement), I would give a sexy little sigh. Then I would whisper huskily, ”YOU’LL HEAR FROM ME AGAIN”, and hang up. I would also leave anonymous love notes in his car while he was asleep so that he would start the day on a positive note. The notes ranged from the standard ”I LOVE YOU, MY SEXY PINEAPPLE” to more vague, flirty ones like, ”CAN YOU FEEL ME? I’M CLOSER THAN YOU THINK”, ”I WILL NEVER STOP MAKING YOU FEEL THIS WAY” & my personal favorite, ”I’M ABOUT TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE PERMANENTLY VERY SOON”. This went on for about 2 months until it was announced in the office that My Crush had requested for a transfer to the Abuja branch and it had been approved. Apparently, when asked the reason for the sudden change, he stated that he was being ”TARGETED BY A MALICIOUS INDIVIDUAL WHO HAD BEGUN MESSING WITH HIS PEACE OF MIND BY LEAVING HIM THREATENING MESSAGES & CALLS”……..Obviously I was hurt that he misunderstood my good intentions, and I’m thankful that he never me found out but the whole thing freaked him out to the point that he ended up re-dedicating his life back to God. Maybe the experience wasn’t a total waste #OneMoreSoulForHeaven #DoingTheLord’sWork”.
Well….I hope we all learned a valuable lesson here today……Celibacy Is The Way & Heaven Is The Goal…..Unless you’re willing to chop breakfast continuously at the hands of heathens.
THANKS FOR READING!!
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The Naija Storyteller 